This Life Isn't Mine

  

Ever wondered if you’re trapped living someone else’s life? It’s not that the life you’re living is bad, it’s just that sometimes it feels like it’s not meant to be yours. These dreams you’ve been dreaming don’t really align with the pathway you’re on, and it’s not that the dreams you’re living are boring, it’s just that they’re not exactly what you dream when all the lights are off and there’s no nagging worrying or loyalty or ‘should be’s’ holding you hostage. 

I asked my husband today if I was always this tired, worried, and stressed (alluding to life before children), and without missing a beat, his answer was a resounding “yes.” That’s not what I was hoping for, and in fact, it was somewhat of a terrifyingly quick response. 

 (Gee, husband, I value your candor, but wish It were wrapped with some candy coating & bubblegum to soothe my conscious a bit.) 

You see, if I could just believe the reality that I’m in a ‘season,’ rather than that realize that this ‘season’ is the life I’ve been delicately and deliberately choosing, I think I could cope.  

Maybe I’ve just been living someone else’s dream. Maybe I don’t even know what my own dreams are anymore because I’m too scared to let people down. Too frightened to fail, and even more terrified at the prospect of starting over... because, what happens if I start over and end up in the exact same place just with scenery that looks a little different. What if my tired follows me wherever I go. What if this restlessness knocks at my door again? Who then am I to blame other than my internal wiring and inability to escape my own dissatisfaction? 

I am so terrified of being average that often it’s the very thing I settle for. Because being average feels a lot better than being a loser. 

Ever feel like you’ve been living someone else’s life, but you’re too scared to find out what life you actually want, because the life you’re living isn’t bad at all, it just really doesn’t feel like the life you know God is calling you to? You know there's more on the other side of the ocean, but you're not super ready to ditch the floaties, because wading water feels a whole lot better than drowning. 

What happens then? What happens when your Theology doesn’t line up with your actions...? What happens when what you believe is a little different from the things you  preach? Maybe it's not so different that other people would notice, but you notice. You feel it every day as you wake up & hear His Voice clearly but are so steadfast in what seems ‘good,’ that you talk yourself in circles until you wonder whether that was really God’s voice at all.... 

But it is God’s voice you’re hearing. 

It may not audible, and it may not come with feathers and gold dust, but the Voice is all throughout Scripture. And His voice throughout those 66 books is the only thing that can really be trusted as the infallible source when deconstruction threatens to tear down establishments & begs you to think yourself stupid. 

So how do I go about living my life? 

Maybe it starts with letting go of all that I have deemed ‘mine.’ Submitting to perception of failure, running from ‘good’ in pursuit of surrender. Surrender to Greatness that isn’t mine. Ditch the floaties for deeper waters where you are asked to survive without the approval of man. 

So if there is a promise of a life more abundant, a mandate to walk in to deep waters with obedience, a command to love God above all else, and an eternity to answer for... Then I have to start walking, searching, asking, and listening. 

The life I’m living isn’t mine....

Maybe that's a start. 

Rachel