Joy/Grief.

Grief is an interesting thing. 

It comes in waves, in cycles. It sneaks up on you, and at times, you can almost forget it’s there. 

Losing friends is an interesting thing. 

We share a portion of our life with someone, let them in to our world, show them pieces of who we are, share meals, swap stories, fill homes with laughter…. And then one day, we look around and notice these pieces of our life have vanished with no warning. Sometimes you don’t even realize how much you enjoyed someone until they are no longer there. 

Most days, I don’t think about it if I’m honest. Most days I’m grateful for the change and the simplicity, but other days there is a lack of laughter and a bit of confusion as you ask yourself time and time again what happened to the person you once thought you knew. Sure, there is a semblance of self-doubt and introspection of where you could have altered reality, but mostly there is just sadness that exists with the reality of broken relationship and a severed tie which you never anticipated. 

For years, I carefully practiced the art of holding my cards close, and only letting others in to the capacity at which I can control: It is a skill I learned and mastered with each loss. I carefully gathered my emotional processions and hid them under lock and key for the siege I am anticipated; the siege where my inner-self is questioned and my personhood is betrayed. Slowly, so slowly, I began to open the gate, unlock the door, and let myself be known. Never throwing caution to the wind, but certainly not heeding the warning signs that surely said “maintain boundaries.” The deep desire to be known and accepted and laughed with caused a blind spot as I just wanted some normalcy of friendship to fill a void I had not allowed to be tapped for years. This deep belief I was in control & on top of things tumbled over me like a poorly-constructed tower of bricks, crashing to the ground as the wind blew. Bricks breaking and toppling one by one as everything you thought you knew unravels and the truth comes out: You were actually never as seen as you perceived you were. You were a cog on a wheel. 

Betrayal is an interesting thing. 

It wakes you up if you don’t let it shut you down. It teaches you a thing or two about character & grief. It reveals who you really are, beyond the surface of the areas any average Joe can see. If you let it, it teaches you to press in to the person of the Holy Spirit: The truest friend your soul will ever know. Betrayal allows you to wake up to the lack of lonely available for you, if you let it. It teaches you how to open up again, if you let it. It makes you gentle, resilient, and kind…. If you let it. 

I’m trying to let it. I am trying to begin each day awake & asleep. Known instead of hidden. The night of sorrow has passed…. 

It’s time to awaken to Joy. 

Joy is an interesting thing. It is bigger than grief. 

-RS